Happiness, in order to last, will always be an inside job, a constant quest involving reflection, action and further reflection--an active, daily pursuit frought with peril, distractions and the even greater danger to it, malaise, that lazy, bit by bit forgetfulness that day by day lets go of the dream--until we wake up old and wonder why and what it all meant...

The only certainty is that life goes on, with or without us, with or without our contribution, with or without our happiness--and, therefore, only each of us can determine our own happiness fate, and only if we consciously make the ongoing decision to go after it.

What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
What does it taste like?
How do we find it?
How do we keep it once we do?

Look around...maybe, just maybe, it's already there...



The unexpected continues to turn up. I guess that is what life does. Better than the total uneventfulness of death I guess. In any case the thriving I intended at the last post didn't go quite as planned. I managed to get septicaemia (bacteria in the blood stream) and ended up having to call an ambulance and spent a week in hospital on intravenous antibiotics. Then a week at home recovering from that. Now I am back on track and going to the gym three times a week, Tai Chi classes once a week and intending to increase my swimming as the solar heating is finished and working for the pool. I am currently on my first intravenous treatment since before I went to hospital. I would have started earlier this week but the fluid bags were out of date so I didn't want to risk repeating the hospital episode so waited for a new order of fluids to come in.

The drawing course I enrolled for has also started. Didn't enjoy the first week so much but this week was better and I actually improved which was gratifying. Also enjoyed the actual process and the 2 hour class went by very quickly. I even feel inspired to do some drawing at home. The Tai Chi class was also good this week and I hardly had to sit down during the class and I stayed an extra 15 minutes for the practice of going right through the stages 1-6 at the end of the class. Most enjoyable.

My stamina and strength at the gym are also improving. I have lost a lot of muscle in the last 18 months with all the lying around. I went and saw Dr Fluhrer a couple of weeks ago and he tested my body fat percentage which is a horrific 30%. This means that I am carrying about 6 kg of fat (yikes) and without the fat I weigh about 52 kg. This is underweight for my height and reflects the low muscle mass. So I really need to build the muscle and get some strength back. This should help with my lethargy as well, more muscle will give me more energy. It is also much nicer to exercise without large breasts getting in the way and not having to wear an uncomfortable bra. The advantages of a double mastectomy despite still getting some discomfort from the surgery where the fascia was removed from the muscle on the right side. Glad that no actual muscle was removed.

Emotionally this last week has been interesting. I have been crying a lot on some days for no apparent reason. I will be driving along and thinking about the lovely trees along the side of the road and suddenly I will be in tears. I haven't cried very much since I was diagnosed. I may be feeling a combination of grief at nearly dying, and I am not out of the woods yet, and joy at surviving. Perhaps being home, getting into a routine of treatment that doesn't make me very sick and that requires less courage, is allowing me to let go a bit more. Less pushing hard to keep going and more relaxing into a life that is not completely focused on cancer and its treatment. Maybe the letting go is allowing the tears to come that I have held onto all this time. In any case I am not worried about it, just intrigued. I have also had moments of feeling physically almost normal - wow!

Intellectually I am struggling a bit still. My memory is shot to pieces. Lots of past stuff I don't remember at all, short term memory is also not good and I will forget things that I did and said an hour ago. Presumably this is all due to the drugs I have had over the last year. Hopefully this will improve again with time. My hair is growing back so maybe my memory will also be restored. I haven't forgotten everything in my past, it is just like a jigsaw puzzle with some of the pieces missing. As I am trying to live more in the present anyway it is not a great loss, just can get a bit tricky if I have promised to do something for someone and then I forget.

The garden needs some attention and I have managed to do a bit of pruning. The bromiliads are flowering and look stunning. The heavy and incessant rain let up this week and it has been nice to have some sunshine as well as heat. Life is good.

Surviving and thriving

Linda