Don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.
I like this quote as life seems to be full of suffering but we don't have to focus on it exclusively. It reminds me of what I used to tell myself when I was still working that I couldn't wait to have holidays or enjoy myself and take time off until I retired because I might not get to retirement, or I might not be well in retirement. Well that certainly turned out to be true. However, despite the difficulties and challenges that life seems to throw at me I do still have times of enjoyment, contentment and happiness. Sometimes it takes effort and I think it is a skill that I can develop more. Certainly the
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course I am doing is helping. Basically it is mindfulness meditation which is like mind training to be more fully in the present and be able to change focus and access the deep calm that is within. We did a lovely meditation in the last class called the Lake Meditaton. It is a meditation where you imagine a lake and observe the changes on the surface with changing weather conditions, times of day etc. The beauty is that whatever is going on on the surface the depths remain calm. It is not that there is nothing happening below the surface, there can be plenty happening but it is relatively calm. I find it a great metaphor for the mental and emotional upheavals of day to day life. Hopefully with more practice I will be able to access the still calm waters more often.When my cancer marker was rising at about 8 points per month to reach 68 I was getting a little
worried. Nothing compared to the panic when at the last test it went to 106. Somewhat reassured by follow up bone scan and CT scan. Checked everything except my brain and everything seems to be pretty stable with just some activity in the tumours in my pelvis. It is unlikely that I have tumour(s) developing in my brain as I have no neurological symptoms related to the brain, just the usual 'chemobrain' stuff. The cancer markers can be unreliable and can be affected by inflammation. I did have a very bad cold when the blood test was done so I am hoping that is all it is. I am due for another blood test in a couple of weeks.Symptom wise it has been a rough month or so. Apart from the cold I have had severe nausea. I started a couple of new supplements to try and alleviate some of the side effects of the Fareston and Thalidomide, particularly the peripheral neuropathy as walking is becoming more difficult and the neuropathy is starting in my right hand, but had to stop them as I was just too sick. Now I am trying to work out which particular supplement is causing the nausea and general malaise. This morning I started back on one of the supplements and did get a little nauseous but only for a couple of hours. Will take it again tomorrow and then reassess.
My doctor in Germany also suggested I start intramuscular injections of methylcobalamin intramuscular twice a week. I already have twice weekly intramuscular injections of artesunate. This poses a bit of a dilemma as those who know me might remember that I do not have well developed buttock muscles or leg muscles for that matter. In any case I have started doing the methylcobalamin into my leg muscles and continue with the artesunate into my backside. A pity they can't be given intravenously with my twice weekly infusions but ce la vie.
Cancer wise I feel like I have become a bit of a cancer magnet. Since I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer I have also developed a malignant melanoma (surgically removed) and now have a basal cell carcinoma on my nose which is so extensive it needs radiation treatment. The reason I did not really notice its development was that the area became a little red when I switched hormone treatments to Fareston after my spinal radiation treatment in February. This drug caused a whole range of skin changes with lots of little blisters, red spots and itchiness. It was only when the only area left with any change was that on my nose did I decide to get it checked out. The surgical option was to remove it and take a skin graft from my neck and put it on my nose. I didn't really like that option so have gone for the radiation instead. It seems I can expect skin burning and blistering as though I have a really bad sunburn and the inside of my nose will ulcerate, bleed, crust and be generally very painful. Something to look forward to! At least it is only a matter of months and it should all settle down again. If it doesn't work I can still have the surgery. I have already found a few sources of Aloe Vera plant which I intend to use liberally and hope it is not as bad as predicted. I should be fine for the first week of treatment which is daily 5 days a week for 15 treatments. I am extremely lucky that the hospital is really close so it won't take up much of the day.The weather today is stunning. There has been so much cold and rainy weather this winter it is lovely to see blue sky and sunshine and feel a bit of warmth. The garden has already gone into Spring mode with lots of flowers. Plenty of Fresias with their delicate sweet aroma wafting all through the front garden. The Kangaroo paws are coming up, the flannel flowers are in bud, the azaleas are looking lovely and the Geraldton Wax I planted last year looks beautiful. Life is good.
Survive & thrive
Linda
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