Goodbye Arizona

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

~ Abraham Lincoln










Back in Sydney for a couple of days now, recovering slowly from jet lag. Was a wrench leaving my sister, Paula, but then I got to see my other sister, Yvonne. Paula and Jonathan were truly amazing in opening their home to us. They had literally only just moved in about a week before and then had us staying for a month in July and then two months September and October. It was lovely, very relaxing and a good time for recuperation. We know we will be back there, hopefully for a holiday rather than a recuperation! The last few days we had a few rides on the quads down to the barn to see the horses.

Sydney weather has been a bit of a shock with cold and rain...brrrrrr. Today it warmed up a bit and was nice and sunny for a few hours.

Went to Liverpool hospital this morning for a PET scan. Was a bit anxious, still am, regarding the results. I am really hoping for a clear scan. Won't get the report till the radiologists have had a look and written their report. I have had a look at the printed pics but am not experienced enough in reading them to be sure of the results. I have left a message with my referring doctor to send me a copy of the report as soon as he gets it so I am hoping to get something tomorrow. I have an appointment on the 2nd of November but don't want to wait that long. Also I want some time to think about what questions I will want to ask at the appointment and that will depend on the results. Certainly will be looking at a treatment plan of some sort to go ahead with till we go back to Germany in January. Again I have to be the patient patient.

Great being with the dogs again. They are being very cuddly which I am really enjoying. My energy levels are definitely on the improve. Managed to clip Pip, the littlest dog, who was looking like a floor mop that had had an electric shock. She looks much better now. Then I cleaned out the garden shed. Very satisfying. Had to have a little rest on the lounge on the front veranda by the end of that but that was a lot more work than I have been able to do for a long time. Progress on that level regardless of what the PET scan reads.




Thriving and surviving.

Linda

Road Trip to Greer

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves

James Barrie


The trip to Greer in the White Mountains was great. It really showcased the wonderful variety of landscape, flora and fauna of Arizona. It is amazing what elevation and rivers will do to change your surroundings dramatically.

We ended up going in two cars as the car we hired wasn't big enough for three dogs and three adults with food, warm clothes and dog beds. So there was plenty of room for all of us and we were pretty comfortable which was just as well as we ended up doing a lot of driving.

We managed to get away pretty close to schedule at 10.30 am on Sunday and headed north east to Payson, Show Low and then onto Greer. As soon as we achieve an elevation of around 3,000ft the Saguaro cacti disappear, they don't seem to like the higher altitude. Junipers then start to appear before the pines take over. We stopped for refreshments at Payson and Mack had managed to throw up into one of Jonathan's shoes. It is good Jonathan has a big shoe size as it pretty well all fitted in there and none on the carpet. Gave us a good laugh.

We arrived at the cabin at Greer and although the cabin itself was very nice it was right next to the road and had no fencing, not good for three large dogs. Fortunately there was another cabin available. It was perfect, very spacious yet cosy, two big bedrooms, large lounge area big enough for 3 adults and 3 big dogs. The 1/2 acre (guesstimate) was fully fenced so the dogs could go in and out at will. We were surrounded by pine trees and a few aspen with their golden autumn colours catching the sun. there were other cabins around but nothing too close. Heavenly. Not long after arrival I saw a lovely Blue Jay, with an orange seed in its mouth, just outside the cabin.

I was feeling pretty good, just getting tired. Paula and Glen went for a walk the first evening and spotted some deer.
Glen and I went for a walk the next morning through the pine trees, they smelled wonderful. We then went for breakfast at Greer Lodge. This is a lovely log building with restaurant views of a delightful little valley with golden aspen on the hillsides between the dark green pines. There is a little river running close by and ponds where people were fly fishing. the waitress was singing along with the country western tunes playing in the background, very cheery. After eating half of my half stack of blueberry pancakes (definitely not on the anti cancer menu but hey it fluffed me up) we went for a drove 5 minutes up the road, spotted some deer on the way and had a little walk along the river. Dogs were ecstatic, the sun was sparkling on the water and the air was fresh and brisk.

We went back to the cabin, packed a lunch and headed off down the dirt roads through lovely forests and grassy meadows till we came to a lake where we thought we would try to fish for trout. It was very windy and quite cold but very beautiful. We had fun with our fishing attempts but didn't catch a thing. I was sort of glad as I didn't want to have to deal with killing the fish. We went fishing in Safeways at Springerville instead and got some beautiful trout there. The drive to Springerville was very scenic and by the time we were heading back to the cabin it was late afternoon and perfect for spotting Elk and deer. We had a look at Big Lake just before we went to Springerville and again on the way back. A stunning shimmering expanse of sparkling blue water surrounded by pale brown grasses and forest covered hills. Paula and I were in the front car and closer to Greer we saw a doe with a fawn which swiftly darted into the trees. the afternoon sun on the grassy meadows and the aspen was gorgeous. Closer to the cabin we saw a big male elk walking along just above the road. They are really large deer, magnificent antlers on the older bucks.

Next day we again packed lunch and headed for Alpine. We ended up having lunch at a beautiful camp spot folded in amongst pine and Aspen covered hills and with a lovely grassy meadow. Again the wind was a bit chilly but the sun was shining, so no complaints. We had camped on that spot in 2001 and had very nice memories of that time as well as making new ones.

We drove mostly along quiet dirt roads, crossing the occasional river and enjoying the beautiful forests. Later in the day we spotted two large horned sheep. It was a ewe with a rather large lamb so their horns were actually not that big but they were very beautiful and surprisingly not that shy. We manage to get a really good look at them for about 15 minutes. Closer to Greer we spotted a whole herd of Elk. One large antlered buck and some small bucks as well as females with young. After a while, and with us trying to get a bit closer, the females and young all darted into the forest but 5 males ran across the grassy plain, first just a short distance and then continued far into the distance. We also got a spectacular sunset to finish off a perfect day.

The last day, after checking out of the cabin, we spent quite a bit of time walking and sitting by a little river that was a fork of the Little Colorado River. Very pretty. I saw an American Dipper which is a little grey bird that actually swims in the running water catching insects. It does not have webbed feet but uses its wings to swim, a delight to watch. We ended up having lunch by the water before heading back home via Show Low and Payson. Just before Payson we has a short stop at another lake the name of which escapes me. It was quite different to the other lakes we had seen in that it had pine trees coming right down to the waters edge instead of the grassy plains.

We got home very tired but happy. Paula and Jonathan did an enormous amount of driving and I spent more than the usual amount of time up and about. I even had sore thigh muscles from walking - excellent. It has not been smooth sailing since. apart from being extremely exhausted over several days after our return I have also had some severe bouts of recurrent gastritis. Combination of lethargy, pain and side effects of pain relief it has been a tough few days. Feeling somewhat better again today. The difficulties reminded me of the saying I put in a previous blog entry "....and this too shall pass". It did and it will again no doubt.

Surviving and thriving.

Linda

Desert Botanic Garden

Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

Charles Jones
American Motivational Speaker, Author

My sister, Paula, was taking part in a horse clinic today with a group of other horse enthusiasts wanting to become better riders, and we went to watch. I left the photography to my brother in law, Jonathan, after about 5 minutes of trying to get a nice photo. He is a professional photographer and I was getting too hot in the sun. It was very interesting watching the instructor and then the students try to emulate what he was teaching. Basic rules, be clear in your instructions to the horse, reward when it does it right, be gentle and calm. Not bad rules to live by really. Be clear about what you want, reward yourself when you get it right, be gentle and calm. Patience is a big help as well.


The Thursday before last we went with Dottie to the Desert Botanic Gardens. That was a real treat. Dottie volunteers there every Thursday so she went off to do her thing and we headed for the Monarch butterfly exhibit. Gorgeous butterflies posing all over the enclosure. Got to practice with my new camera. After 15 minutes or so I was exhausted and we decided to go back to the entrance and hire an electric scooter for me to get around on. On the way back we ran into Dottie who was demonstrating birds nests and talking about the deserts of western USA. It was very interesting. Fortunately I was able to sit down while she talked and demonstrated, unfortunately the gastritis was starting to play up. I took some percocet and we went and got the scooter.

The rest of the time at the garden was very pleasant with some opioid relief and hooning around on the electric scooter. A bit of a come down from the 650cc motorbike I used to own but just right for the day. Seriously though the gardens were really lovely. The variety of size, shape, colour and texture of the cacti was amazing. There was also an open butterfly garden, full of flowers and a few butterflies. There were also some historical replicas of American Indian huts and other items.

We had missed an exhibition by an artist who makes glass sculptures which was apparently amazing. There were two of his sculptures at the entrance. I thought at first they were light green plants but they were glass and very striking.

We met Paula for lunch as her work is very close to the gardens. We sat out on a lovely little terrace overlooking some of the gardens. At the table next to us were three dutch women discussing death and dying in some detail. Very interesting lunch time conversation.

Our trip to Greer deserves a separate entry.

Surviving and thriving.

Linda

Saguaro Lake

How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most.

Stephen Covey

It's been a quiet day today. I am feeling better and better, hooray! Mostly energy issues at the moment. Being very careful about what I eat and drink, don't want to experience another gastritis episode. Yesterday evening we had a lovely time on Saguaro Lake.

We started out just after 5 pm at dusk so not the best time of day to take photos, fabulous time though to be out in nature as the soft evening light is beautiful. Saguaro Lake was formed by the damming of the Salt River and is part of the Tonto National Forest and has a surface area of about 1200 acres (500 hectares), is 10 miles long with 20 miles of shoreline. It's beautiful.

So with Mike and Betsy, who own the boat, Paula, Jonathan, Glen and I set out to enjoy the sights and each others company. The boat is about 31 feet and very comfortable and the engine very quiet which I was pleased about. Betsy provided lovely snacks and dinner, the weather was great and the scenery absolutely stunning. We were also treated to a near full moon and a star studded sky, but i am getting ahead of myself. Joy also in that there was a smoochy dog called Willow on board.

Once we got away from the marina we picked up speed and headed across the open lake with views to distant mountains then through a lovely gorge bathed in late afternoon light. As we entered the gorge Mike slowed the boat and we cruised slowly and quietly along. Glen and I moved up to the bow of the boat to get the best view. There were sheer rocky walls plunging straight into the water, there were huge saguaros perched on impossible ledges, there were a variety of colours of lichen patches on vast expanses of rock. We spotted quite a few caves and there were cutaways in the wall with a sudden profusion of flora.

As we came out of the main gorge it opened out with ready banks and mountain views. There was a lovely contrast with the water and reeds then rocky cactus dotted hills with the mountains behind. Stunning. Little bats started to come out over the water doing their acrobatics catching insects. We came to the end of the navigable lake and stopped the engine and just floated as the night set in as we enjoyed the quiet and peace and day's end. The light then faded very quickly and the stars were soon visible. It is very dark out there so the stars are stunning.

Mike started the engine and we slowly slowly and quietly headed back while we ate dinner and chatted with Betsy. Soon the moon came up over the mountains and reflected beautifully in the water. The rocky sides of the gorge looked great in the soft moonlight on the enjoyably slow trip back to the mooring. What a great experience.

On the way back to the cars Betsy was hanging on to Willow saying that there were lots of skunks in the area. Barely had she uttered these words when a skunk appeared. Fortunately I managed to get the camera out just in time to take a photo before it disappeared behind some rocks. A little further along we saw another one scurry off. Apparently the nasty smell they give off is impossible to remove or cover up, you just have to wait for it to wear off. I thought, how bad can that be? Jonathan then said the smell was like the worst smelling pit toilet you could imagine. Ewww.

This morning Glen went on what was supposed to be a 2 hour walk with a few of the neighbours. Ended up being a 4 hour strenuous hike. Very satisfying but exhausting. looking forward to being able to do that sort of thing again.

Surviving and thriving

Linda

Cancer reflections

Although there may be tragedy in your life, there’s always a possibility to triumph. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always.

—Oprah Winfrey, television host (1954– )


Although I agree with Oprah on that point, I would add that it is a lot easier to do if you have the support of people that care. Not everyone is that lucky.

My mood has been a bit reflective the last few days, brought on by a combination of some people asking me what this disease of cancer had brought to my life, in terms of change to me as a person. Also I have unexpectedly been back in touch with a couple of people from the past both of whom are going through their own very difficult journeys. So, recently I have been asked to reflect and comment but I have also given my reflections unasked. It made me think that it may be a good time to do a bit of this navel gazing on my blog, as a sort of thermometer along the way to see where I am at now. I have added some pictures of the exhibition tulip gardens in Holland called Keukenhof where I was with my sister and partner in April this year shortly before I began my cancer treatment in Germany. The gardens are gorgeous and we had a wonderful day.

Certainly this cancer adventure has been very interesting so far. It has been extremely difficult at times but also very uplifting in many ways, the so called ups and downs. It has put me back in touch, in a meaningful way, with people I had lost contact with. My appreciation of life, family, friends and wellness is much greater. I have made some significant new friends and been amazed at peoples courage, resilience and dignity. It has made me much more aware of peoples kindness and generosity. I have become extremely grateful for the nurturing and care my partner, family and friends have bestowed on me. I have improved my German - hehehe. I am learning to live much more in the present and not fret so much about the past and future, but rather appreciate the past, look for the good things that were there, learn from the not so great things, and enjoy the possibilities the future may bring. I am less critical of myself and others and ironically I am much more positive and upbeat. I have found an incredibly effective weight loss program called Chemotherapy (I wouldn't recommend it due to side effects). I have met some truly appalling doctors, some simply mediocre ones and some absolutely fantastic ones. The latter ones I am sticking with. I have a whole new perspective on pain and nausea. I finally got that breast reduction I always wanted.

There is nothing like looking death in the face to give me a much greater appreciation of life and improve my sense of humour.

I have learned that good things can come from adversity and unexpected places and I am both tougher and more vulnerable than I thought. My new vulnerabilities, as well as the physical weakness and chronic illness, have forced me to let go of control a lot. That has been both difficult and liberating. Through necessity I have become much more patient.

That seems like a pretty good outcome so far. I don't know what is still to come, but I feel I have better resources within myself and around me to get through the challenges. I am hopeful the future will have an abundance of good health, joy, love and laughter. Meantime I am enjoying the good parts of my current health and the joy, love and laughter I have already in my life.

Surviving and thriving

Linda

Birthdays

Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark.

- Anonymous




Some time has passed since my last entry. As usual it is due to the effects of chemotherapy. I feel pretty good mentally and emotional but it has been a bit hard physically.

Last Wednesday started of very well. the weather was gorgeous, the birds were singing I was feeling pretty good. I swam 40 laps (400meters) of the pool... wow! I also sorted out 3 weeks of tablets. I bought these great containers that fit in a large chunk of my daily pills and can do weekly packs. Can't fit everything in but means i don't have to go through endless bottles every day and also will be great for going away. Will only have to take a few extra bottles. The packs mean I am still short about 30 odd tabs but most of those are multiples of the same tablet.

I was due for Gamazin and my chemo brain had conveniently blanked out that it was a chemo drug. So I plugged in that afternoon and finished about 5 pm. By 8 pm I was getting some gastritis, by 8.15 I needed pain relief and by 9:30 pm I was starting to get a bit of relief from what had become severe pain.

Next day I felt pretty bad - nausea, headache, joint pain in hands and toes. Felt like I had a bad flu without any fevers. Very tired - oh so unusual! In other words the usual chemo reaction I seem to have no matter which drug it is. Friday I was starting to improve a bit and managed to eat some dinner. It was Jonathan's birthday that day but we didn't do a lot of celebrating as there was to be a party the next day combining a house warming and a birthday celebration. I managed to help a bit with the cleaning and tidying of the house on Thursday but was pretty well written off on Friday. We did have a lovely dinner outside that I managed without any nasty effects.

Saturday I still felt very lethargic, head achy and nauseous. I put myself on a vitamin C drip and that made me feel quite a bit better so that I quite enjoyed the party that started at 3pm. Several of the neighbours came, some of whom we had met and some we hadn't. It was very successful and the people were all very nice. Managed to stay up till about 9.30pm, was very careful what I ate but treated myself to a little ginger ale with ice.

We have been invited to go out on a boat with the neighbours, Mike and Betsy, one evening for dinner at a nearby lake. Should be very nice. Another neighbour, Doddie, has invited us to join her for a couple of hours, on Thursday, at the botanic gardens where there is a butterfly exhibition. I do love butterflies. She volunteers at the gardens once a week. That should be an enjoyable little trip and I should be able to manage it by then. Paula might join us as it is close to her work.

Back to the trials and tribulations of chemo. The medication I have taken for pain and nausea have of course set off their diabolical side effect - severe constipation. Took something for that but have spent a lot of time in the bathroom today trying to pass what feels like a large house brick. Have finally made some progress this afternoon and am starting to feel more comfortable. Made me really grateful I am not on chronic pain relief, like many cancer patients, as they have to deal with this issue on a very regular basis (excuse the pun). Glen made a very funny comment about it that gave me the giggles. She said "do it like an accountant". I said "how is that?". She said "work it out with a pencil'. Oh well, I thought it was hysterical, and you really need a sense of humour around this cancer business. It's always great to have a laugh.

Today is Sunday and I have been very tired, surprise, surprise. It is a lot cooler and has been very windy and cloudy today which is unusual. We spent some time looking at cabins to rent at Greer, which is in the White Mountains, about 5 hours drive from here. Should see some autumn colours if we end up going there for a few days next week.

Starting to think a bit about going home and having a PET scan on the 28th of October, two days after we get back and seeing Dr Fluhrer on 2nd November. I am hoping that there will be no visible cancers on the PET scan. That would really make my birthday the following week a celebration. Mind you, even if it is not clear I will certainly be celebrating being alive and improving!

Surviving and thriving

Linda