Another stage

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

Persian Proverb

A whole month has passed by already since my last post. I spent some time with my sisters at our mothers house and then my mother came and stayed with me in Sydney for a little while. Paula went back to the US and as usual I miss her although we do keep in regular contact. Mum has gone back to Tea Gardens and seems to be managing ok on her own. She is very strong and determined and despite the loss of her husband of 61 years is coping well. We will visit her again next week and hopefully do a few day trips. We scattered dad's ashes on Pittwater on a gorgeous sunny day.

My mood has been up and down quite a bit. I had hoped for an easier year this year but so far that has not happened. The treatment in January in Germany was very difficult, then hospitalised for a week in Sydney, then my father getting sick and his loss is very sad.

My energy levels are still not very good. I have been trying to get into a routine of treatments and exercise but the events have stalled it a few times. Frustration and impatience are part of my problem. Seeing I was clear of tumours at the scan 6 months ago I feel I should now be feeling much better than I am.


Although I intellectually I feel I should be grateful for still being "above ground" and responding well to treatment in terms of the tumours, emotionally I have been feeling despondent. My focus for the past 18 months has been research, tests and treatments. Pretty well a full time job and requiring a lot of focus. Now I feel I need to change my focus to other things while I continue with treatment and tests. Someone said I should view the treatments like brushing my teeth, something you do daily as necessary but not something I dwell on. It is a bit harder than the simplicity of teeth brushing with the treatments especially the intravenous ones twice weekly which run for about 5 hours and usually cause some malaise while they are running. Then I need to do stock control for medications, syringes, needles, fluids etc and ensure everything is ordered on time. There is also the slight changes and variations in the treatment day to day that I need to be kept abreast of (no pun intended). Never the less I feel that it is important for me to not focus so much on my cancer situation. I don't know how long I have got, whether I will ever feel really healthy again or how long my treatments may last and at what level. I just can't wait for it all to "get better" when this may be as good as it gets.

We have been to the Blue Mountains for a day to visit Glen's parents and enjoy the beauty of the mountains, one of my favourite places. It was a lovely sunny day and I managed a much longer walk than I thought I would down to Gordon Falls with a lovely view over the valley and towards Mount Solitary.

The drawing classes I started earlier in the year were good although I missed several sessions. The meditation seminars have also been good as well as the Tai Chi classes, some of which I also missed. Going to the gym to try and get some muscle and stamina back has fallen by the wayside. The last two days I have walked the dogs around the park and managed to get all the way around without needing too much of a rest along the way. That will help a lot if I can keep that up. I am certainly up and about during the day a lot more than previously with only a rest in the afternoon.

Somehow I need to find the joy again in my day to day activities, to feel enthusiastic despite my lethargy and to try and build up my stamina and strength if possible. Patience is needed I think not just with progress but with myself for the condition I am in and the limitations that produces in what I can do. I need to focus on what I can do rather on what I can't do. I need to overcome my fear of life slipping by and maybe not being able to do the things I had envisaged to be doing now or later. I am alive here and now and can enjoy it just by breathing.

Most of the time since I was diagnosed in 2008 I have been pretty upbeat, it is interesting that now that I am 'clear' of tumours I am feeling more despondent. There is a certain level of disappointment of where I am in terms of energy levels. On the one hand I have made fantastic progress and yet there are still serious problems. Perhaps too I am nervous about my scan and blood tests due at the end of this month. It has been six months since the last tests and I have no other way of knowing how it is all going. I am also waiting on biopsy results for a likely melanoma that was removed from my right leg. I should get results this week and am seeing the melanoma specialist again on the 16th. Disappointing to get that when I am having so much treatment for cancer. Hopefully the treatment has stopped it progressing past anything more than superficial.

On the up side I have enrolled in another term of drawing classes and I will be going back to Tai Chi classes when they restart in a few weeks. Hopefully I wont have to go back to Germany in July for further treatment. I have run out of insurance money and have started using my retirement fund for medical expenses. It is not only the financial issue but the treatment in January was so difficult I don't relish more of that, it would be nicer to go on a holiday somewhere instead. However I will do whatever is necessary to overcome the cancer as I am certainly not ready to give up on a longer life.

Well I always seem to bounce back from physical hardships of this journey and I am sure I will do likewise for the emotional downturn I am experiencing at the moment. One thing that is guaranteed, this too will change.

Survive and thrive

Linda