Keeping on

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

Orison Swett Marden


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Will Rogers



Spent a week at Tea Gardens north of Sydney visiting my mother. It was hard not having my father there. I missed him. Despite that we managed to make the most of the beautiful weather. Managed a couple of walks on the beach and swims in the ocean. We also did a short bush walk in a lovely little rain forest in the nearby Myal Lakes National Park. We had several coffees at our favourite cafe, The Boatshed, right on the tranquil Myal River, as we watched pelicans, dolphins, raptors and fish wander by. We did a little day trip to the Hunter Valley Gardens which was also lovely.

Meantime, the lesion on my leg was confirmed to be a malignant melanoma. The good news is that is was relatively superficial and has has been surgically removed. Good riddance! Surgery was last Friday and the discomfort stopped yesterday afternoon. Pain is interesting when it is at a level high enough to make you feel alive and low enough so you don't wish you were dead. It really can make you feel more alive. Not that I would recommend inflicting unnecessary pain as a way to feel alive but as something that can be pondered when pain is present. I have never felt pain enough to make me want to die but I have had it where my entire focus has been on wanting it to stop. OK enough on that.

I stopped taking thalidomide last week and I am starting to feel more energetic. Hooray. Other than that, the treatment routine continues with 77 tabs a day, a few concoctions, and 4 injections a week and two iv infusions of about 5 hours. Just like brushing teeth for a long time (see last blog entry if this doesn't make sense but you are curious).

Focus. That is what I am attempting to change. When I sold my veterinary practice in March 2008 I thought I was burnt out - that is why I sold. As it happened, my exhaustion was probably severely exacerbated by the cancer. In any case, I now feel burnt out from dealing with cancer for nearly two years. It has taken so much concentrated effort and energy, emotionally, mentally and physically, I am drained and exhausted. The treatments have also obviously taken their toll on those states. Fortunately they have also taken a toll on the cancer, which was, after all, the point.

I don't know what the outcome will be, I don't know if I am still clear of tumours. I don't how long I will be here and in what condition. I want to be living the moments that I am here regardless of whether this is as good as it gets or whether it gets worse or better.

I am currently reading 'A Path with Heart' by Jack Kornfield which I am finding helpful. I am also focusing on being 'mindful'. Recently at a meditation seminar with Sabina Rabold, we did an exercise that involved closing our eyes and exploring a small object. The object turned out to be a sultana and we felt it with our touch, we smelt it and tasted it - in detail. In the end it took us 1o minutes to eat the sultana. That was being mindful. Mindfulness has the power to enrich our experience purely through increased awareness. It can be applied to anything we experience with our senses whether it is external or internal. We don't need any gadgets or electronic equipment we just need to apply our senses and we can enrich our lives.

I would like to develop mindfulness as a habit in living. I may not always be wanting to take 10 minutes to eat a sultana but there is a peace in the act of paying attention to what we are doing without judgement. Oh, yes the judgement bit seems to be important. No good or bad, no doing it right or wrong, just focus with gentle curiosity (I think that expression came from Ian Gawler but I can't be sure) on the sensations.

Today I was talking to my therapist/counselor about my impatience and wanting to feel more content and better etc regardless of my circumstances and that I was trying to use the mindfulness practice as a way to 'get there'. The interesting thing is that I was still looking to the future for that elusive 'happiness'. You can never reach the future only the present. So mindfulness now can generate a sense of acceptance for what is and with that, in theory, there would be a sense of contentment. Drawing is a good example for me of this process. When I start a drawing I want it to be a good picture immediately. However, if I am patient and just start drawing without judgement (that is without the critical me, not the me looking at perspective and effects), then I end up getting caught up in the process of creating and I enjoy that. It helps if the outcome is pleasing but whatever it is I still enjoyed the process. That is a good analogy for living, I think, to enjoy the process regardless of the difficulties, the errors and the outcome. Somehow to experience the essence and process of living and with this and acceptance a contentment may also be enjoyed.

Next week I am having my blood test for the lab in Greece, so i should have some results mid May. I am also having a PET scan on the 30th April for which I should get the results in a few days. I am anxious about the results as these are the first tests in 6 months and I am wondering what effect the difficult January treatment may have had.

My therapist has lent me a book called "Here for Now" by Elana Rosenbaum. In the introduction it says " Here for Now is about living well and facing life's challenges with strength, and grace, an open heart, a clear mind and a steadiness of purpose." Sounds like inspiration to me.

So continuing with purpose to survive and thrive.

Linda