A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.My lesson at the moment seems to be letting go of control. A constant lesson really, if you have cancer. I was supposed to get my blood results a few days ago but when they arrived it was only really one small part. The correct tests had not been requested by the doctor so I have to wait another week while the tests I need are processed. The result I did get was very good. It is a count of the number of cancer cells in a small sample of blood. So not highly accurate overall but a good way to keep an eye on trends. My last test in October showed 6.6 cells per 7.5 mls of blood. This has halved to 3.3 cells per 7.5 mls. I try not to think about how many cells that means that there are floating around my body but focus on the fact there are half the number that were there 6 months ago.
The rest of the results look at the genetics of the cancer cells such as their propensity to spread and grow new tumours and so on as well as testing them against a variety of chemical, natural and immunological agents to see what has changed and allow a revision of the treatment plan. Still don't know if I have to go back to Germany in July for treatment or not. So now the waiting and being patient and letting go. Hmmmm. Maybe that should be Ommmmmm.
My meditation has been pretty regular lately and this is helping me find some equanimity. This last week I have been focusing on building 'loving-kindness' and being mindful. The mindfulness in particular is helpful in reducing stress and anxiety as it focuses on the present rather than past or future scenarios. If I am being mindful of what I am doing, feeling, hearing, touching right now it is impossible to think of what might happen. It is a very enjoyable way to be but I think it takes quite a bit of practice to be able to maintain the focus. I am so used to my brain going at great speed through all sorts of future scenarios as well as past happenings. Neither of which I can do much about. There is a certain amount of planning I can do and arranging but in reality that takes up a small amount of time compared to what I tend to give it. There needs to be a certain amount of faith that things will turn out ok or that if they don't I will manage whatever happens. Shit happens, it is inevitable. I would like to be able to use that manure to grow flowers so to speak. Joy also happens and I would like to fully appreciate it when it is there. I
think a lot of suffering is self inflicted by attitude, much of which is just habit. That might be making light of it a bit. Habits can be very ingrained and hard to shift. First I need to develop awareness as to what I am doing around bad habits of thought and action and then change those for the better. Easier said than done but it is good to start and meditation and mindfulness seems to be a way to go down that particular road.Have been managing some short bush walks with the dogs - wonderful. The weather has been great, a bit cool but wonderful sunshine. See a lot more birds in the bush than in the park or our garden and it is nice to walk on dirt tracks, feel the breeze on my skin and smell the fresh air.
We are heading off to the Blue Mountains this weekend so hopefully will manage a bit of a bush walk up there. Weather forecast is good. Can't take the dogs, unfortunately.
Surviving and thriving
Linda
No comments:
Post a Comment