2nd Anniversary

Fall down seven times
Stand up eight
~ Japanese proverb

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they agrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage
and has a history it becomes more beautiful.
~ Barbara Bloom


This week is the 2nd anniversary of my diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer and I have also reached what I like to call my 'use by date'. One of the oncologists I saw very early on gave me two years to live if I had treatment. Nice to prove him wrong. I actually feel healthier now than I did 2 years ago before I started treatment.

Although the treatment has been very tough at times it has certainly been successful so far and I am feeling physically better all the time. This time two years ago I would get out of breath just going to the letter box at the end of our very short driveway. Now I can walk several kilometers without any problems. I am still not very fit and need to build on my strength and stamina but that is all improving as I walk most days with the dogs and have just purchased an exercise bike. I am also doing yoga every morning which is great for having a good stretch and is helping with strength and joint pain. There are other things I am now starting to do again, a bit of gardening and some small home maintenance projects. My office is starting to look a lot less cluttered as I slowly work my way through the accumulations.

Tomorrow we leave on a 10 day holiday to Queensland. We are flying to Brisbane, hiring a car and staying four days on Bribie Island, right on the beach. Then we will drive further up the coast to Noosa and spend the rest of the time with friends there. This will be the first holiday for two years that is not cancer related. Fabulous!! I will miss a few infusions but I will be able to take other injections and tablets with me so I won't miss too much in that department.

The side effects of the current treatment regime are ongoing but bearable. Talking to a friend who has menopause and some other aging symptoms we concluded that it is better to have these problems and be aging than to be dead. Now when I hear someone complain about the vagaries of old age I realise how great it is to experience old age, to not die, to live on and experience more of life, even if there are some discomforts.

At the moment my thalidomide dosage is 100mg every second day. This is my thalidomide supply from Germany. It is much cheaper over there but they do not have 50mg tablets. The advantage of thalidomide is that it stops tumours growing by inhibiting the growth of new blood vessels. Tumours need a blood supply to grow. The other advantage is that I sleep well when I take it. I am also on arimidex which blocks estrogen. My particular breast cancer is sensitive to and 'likes' estrogen. This means that I want as little estrogen in my body as possible so the cancer is not stimulated to grow. The side effects of this drug are like severe menopause and not very pleasant - insomnia, joint pain, weight gain, hot flushes, osteoporosis. I have had menopausal symptoms for about twelve years and as they were severe I did go onto HRT. This probably contributed to my getting cancer. Now I can look forward to quite a few more years on arimidex and 'menopause'. Hopefully it really will help give me quite a few more years. The insomnia is nicely counteracted by the thalidomide on the days I take it. The other nights I get about 4 hours sleep. If I get really desperate I take a sleeping tablet but I try not to take them as I figure my body has enough to do in terms of detoxifying. I have gained about 8 kg since January as both arimidex and thalidomide cause weight gain. Still you do have to put food in your stomach to gain weight. I am hoping that as I get fitter and stronger I will be able to burn more calories. The yoga is helping with some of the joint pain and the hot flushes are quite handy on a cold day. Tai Chi is probably helping with the joint pain as well. To counteract the osteoporosis I take a calcium and magnesium supplement and once a month I include Zometa in my infusions to help strengthen my bones. Exercise is also helpful for keeping my bones strong.

My insomnia is partly due to drugs and partly due to anxiety. I have discussed this in therapy. It most likely has to do with the perception of loss of control over my life. The realisation at a very deep level the reality that there are many things in life that we can not control. I have been quite adventurous and looking for change and improvements during my life for as long as I can remember. On the flip side I also like to be in control and I am very goal oriented.

When I was about 5 or 6 I remember cycling the long way to school and often getting there late because I would get distracted by the country side and whatever was happening and have a bit of an adventure. When I was in my early twenties I travelled around Europe for a couple of years, mostly hitch hiking. It was very liberating and I certainly let go of a lot of control then. Sometimes I would head off in the morning and the biggest decisions I would make all day would be whether to have tea or coffee and which side of the road I would stand on to hitch a ride. There was another time I was travelling by train and was leaving Austria to go to Switzerland. It was November, just before my birthday. I was standing on the platform when I noticed a sign on the next platform saying 'Venice'. That would be nice. So I switched platforms and went to Venice for my birthday.

The veterinary clinic I eventually bought and owned for 18 years was a leap of faith to start with and then an ongoing journey of goal achievements and change. I liked to constantly change and improve. This could be unsettling for the staff as well as myself at times but gave me great satisfaction. There was a certain level of control and any changes were always well planned. Certainly I had lots of anxiety and stress in those years as I waited to see the outcome of my plans and changes.

When I was about 7 we moved from Holland to Australia, then when I was 9 we moved back to Holland and when I was 11 we moved back to Australia. These were massive changes in my life that I had no control over. Some of the adjustments I found very difficult - learning a new language and some of the cultural differences especially those relating to school. Ending of long term relationships were the other major traumatic events in my life where I felt I had no control. My first three and only other long term relationships were all ended by the other person and I was shocked and devastated.

These major events in my life, over which I had no control, did teach me to be very resourceful in finding ways to cope and to move on and continue to enjoy life. I think this 'history' and how I handled these events has helped me cope with the challenges that getting cancer has brought me. It has helped me to be very structured, to plan, to push through what seems like insurmountable obstacles and to not give up. Where there is loss of control over events I have taken as much control as I could and run with it. I learned to reach out for and find help.

In spite of this I do believe I have been deeply effected by the unexpected and life threatening diagnosis and developed some anxiety about the lack of control I really have over some very major aspects of my life. My take on that is that this is perfectly normal. My belief is that I can work on this and reduce the level of anxiety over the unknown and things I have no control over. Ultimately everyone is in the same position. No-one, or very few, people know when they are going to die or even when a major catastrophe may happen in their life. We all have this in common. Getting cancer, and probably many major illnesses, just makes us more aware of our vulnerability and fragility. It makes it more real and therefore scary. The fear for me isn't about death as I see that as just like going to sleep. It is about wanting to live more, for longer and with good quality. I am not ready to give up on life.

So my motto to survive and thrive continues.

Linda