Use by Date

If we wait for the perfect answer
the world will pass us by.
~Jack Welch



If we continually fill our minds
with thoughts of faith, hope and gratitude,
it will eventually crowd out our fears
~Dr. Norman Vincent Peale





It was in June 2008 that I first became really sick. It was some kind of flu that had me bedridden for a few weeks and then I didn't really recover. It was around this time that I noticed the growing lump in my breast. By the 12th July I had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and a had been given a tentative prognosis of 2 years with treatment. So my 'use by date' has just about arrived.

It is not only the significance of this anniversary of my diagnosis and the fact that I am not actually dead or dying that has got me doing a fair bit of contemplation. There has also been a shift in my activities associated with my cancer treatment and research. I seem to have settled into a routine of treatment, stock control and ordering and am not doing much research. The last two years have been very goal oriented, very focused and extremely intense. There is a bit more relaxation now. I feel like I am catching my breath a bit. There needs to be a bit of refocusing away from constantly looking to the next scan/test result and its follow on plans. I am assuming that I will live well beyond my 'use by date' and I feel I can't live my life waiting for the next scan/test to see what to do next. I want to get on with living my life and making some plans not related to cancer.

This is turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be. There are days when I think, intellectually, that I should be jumping for joy and grabbing life by the proverbials because so far I am beating the odds and doing incredibly well considering the diagnosis. The reality is that I often feel a bit lost and emotionally low and still a bit overwhelmed. It seems a contradiction with the times when I feel a distinct increase in richness of my life and a greater calm. I feel like the goals I have had for the last two years have largely been achieved. I am a very goal oriented person and perhaps this loss has made me a bit unsure. Short term goals are not a problem, such as de-cluttering my study. It is longer term goals I am struggling with. Not sure if I still don't quite believe in my survival and so can't imagine being hale and hearty and ready for 'plans' going past the next 6 months. Having said that I have booked some holidays for July and December/January. Anything else seems beyond me at the moment.

The dicision I have been able to make is that I won't fret about my dilemas too much at this stage. I think I probably just need to catch my breath, so to speak.

Very little crying occurred really over the past 2 years considering the level of the illness and potential imminent death I have experienced. It was interesting therefore this morning when I put on a piece of music that I hadn't listened to in quite a while. I was very fond of playing it when I was very sick, probably from about April 2009 to the end of the year. I burst into tears. It took me immediately back to lying around listening to this beautiful music and feeling incredibly unwell. It brought out a really strong feeling of compassion for myself and those close to me who were also affected. This did not feel like pity or self pity but just a sorrow for the suffering during this difficult time.

My physical wellbeing is improving again and I have managed to walk the dogs in the bush again, much to our mutual delight. The weather has turned again now however and the days I have my infusion are also usually no go days partly due to the duration of the infusions but also because I don't feel that great immediately after pumping the goodies into me. Further short term plans have also included booking a trip to Queensland in July. We will fly to Brisbane and then rent a car and drive up to Bribie Island for 4 days. There is, coincidentally, a medieval festival on the weekend we are there so that should be a bit of fun. Then on to Noosa. We have been invited to stay at a friend's apartment for a week. That should also be enjoyable and hopefully we will include a day trip to Fraser Island which sounds gorgeous and I have never been there.

Short term plans for fun are in place, longer term more meaty stuff can wait for a while.

Survive & thrive

Linda