Being me, being home

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
- William James


It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.
- Francois de la Rochefoucauld



We have been home for just over a week and there are mixed feelings, events and emotions. Medically it is business as usual, some ups and downs and the inevitable waiting for results, progress and revised plans. The house has needed various items attended to and then there is the 7 months of backlog of paperwork. The physical is pretty closely related to the medical with generally better energy but some setbacks with symptoms and tiredness. There has been a renewed realisation of my weakened state. Mentally and emotionally there seems to be a fair bit of fragility.

First my visit with Dr Fluhrer. I had printed, in my chemo brain memory bank, that the appointment was at 1.30pm. So I got up at about 5.30am did some yoga, meditated for 30 minutes, had a shower and walked the dogs before breakfast. At 9 am I thought I had better check the time and the appointment was at 9.45 am. Ooooops. Major rush out the door not properly prepared with written list of questions. Managed at least to take my list of current medications and supplements and the copy of the PET scan. Stressed and flustered I got there right on time. One of the things I like about Dr Fluhrer is that he is very pleasant and gets straight to the point. He also answers questions really well, the problem for me is remembering to ask the questions. Anyway the short version is that I go off all tablets, except Arimidex, for 10 to 14 days to give my stomach a rest and hopefully ease the gastritis. Meantime run general blood screen and include test for Helicobacter, Candida (in case they are the cause of the gastritis) and the tumour markers. Hopefully will have results by end of the week. Meantime he will email Dr Jacob in Germany and confer regarding rerunning blood test for Greek lab. This is basically the same test I had in April prior to my treatment in Germany starting. It is a very comprehensive test. My understanding is limited on the complexities of the test but basically it looks at the cancer cells - their genetic aberrations and their sensitivity to various chemotherapy, immunotherapy and supplemental treatments. This has most certainly changed since the treatment started and the tumour cells may now be resistant to some of the treatments that they were previously sensitive to. Blood may be taken next Monday for analysis in Greece. It will then be a few weeks before we get the results on which a new treatment plan will be based probably for the next 6 months although there will always be adjustments to the plan as necessary depending on my responses. More waiting for now.

House, and pets, has been pretty well looked after by the house sitters but there is still the inevitable build up of minor repairs and maintenance. The aquarium was not intended to be left for so long so I had only left instructions for shorter term maintenance. It is to the house sitters credit that any plants and fish remained alive at all. Major overhaul performed. Then I was just going to get some little Neon Tetras to put a bit of colour back in the tank but I don't know how I thought I would be able to visit the aquarium shop and not get sucked in to some lovely other fish. So, three discus and 4 gouramis (as well as the neons) later.... the aquarium looks much better and I felt 'fluffed up' (a Petrea King expression for the necessary positive input for the chronically ill - actually for everyone - we all need it from time to time).

The mail, 7 months worth. Some I didn't even open, just filed them in the waste paper basket. Others were a bit of a freak out. House insurance overdue, car registration and insurance completely out of date. Very lucky nothing nasty happened. So now I have opened all mail and dealt with the really urgent stuff. The rest will just have to be done a bit at a time.

Couldn't really get into the garden shed to get to the pool pump so did an instant cleanup of the shed. Many of the indoor plants had died so cleaned out the pots. The garden needs a major prune. I tried to prune a smallish daisy bush out the front. Normally I can just pull them out of the ground but I was too weak. So I started to prune it back. Got about half way and had to give up totally out of breath. That was a serious reality check into what a weak and muscle wasted body I now have. Very disheartening experience. Moving right along to the gardener - he will do the pruning. The power of delegation, there is strength in that! There are some beautiful flowers in the garden and Yvonne bought me a gorgeous pink Hydrangea.

My wardrobe. How fortunate that I had kept some 'thin' clothes in case I lost weight. Out with the 'fat' clothes and resurrection of the 'thin' ones. Hallelujah! With the clothes Paula gave me, some new ones I bought and what I saved I have a pretty full wardrobe. I was going to get some new swimmers. Paula gave me a nice pair of hers but thought I could do with another one for the beach holiday in December. Ha! Don't need to buy a thing. Nothing like a pair of scissors to get rid of some big busted cups and end up with a more svelte pair of swimmers.

Emotionally - a bit scary. Have been much more anxious since I have been home, not sure why but maybe to do with the fact that this is where I got cancer. That is, I relate home to getting cancer not getting rid of cancer, memories of the diagnosis rather than the treatment. However hard the treatment has been the diagnosis was extremely stressful. There seemed to be little hope at that time, especially after talking to oncologists. The treatment has been very hard but it is much more positive and hopefull. The other problems is the feeling of overwhelm with all the paperwork, house and pet maintenance, shopping (even when done on the internet). Just the day to day stuff really but it feels like a lot. Need to be patient with myself and not try to do too much at once. It is more difficult too as Glen is HSC marking, for a week or so, full time. I have become very dependent on her care and it is difficult to adjust. It is also a reminder of what will happen next year when she goes back to full time work at the end of January.

Physically I have had some bouts of gastritis which always seems to knock me about for a bit. Last one was at 2 am this morning. Pain and nausea - yuk. I am very cranky today so am actually glad Glen is not here. I have been more tired again yesterday and today, maybe I have done too much over the last week. Just go through periods of getting fed up with my limitations and push myself to do stuff, not always the best move. I am able to do more than I did when I left 7 months ago, so that is a positive. Unfortunately I am still finding it very difficult to deal with my physical limitations, just very frustrated with it at the moment.

In view of the above I have rung my therapist for an appointment. Waiting to hear back. That is one thing I have learned, even before I got cancer, if it starts to feel like too much - get help. I have learned to use the resources available, a very valuable lesson that has been.

I am sure I will come out of this trough, I always manage to bounce back, I am like a super ball. Remembering that at a deep level is sometimes difficult but I will survive and I will thrive!

Linda